Disturbia
by me.fergie
Summary: SongFic to Rihanna's Disturbia. Don't own. Spoilers for episode 7.20. Ryan think about the choices he has, and he's struggling like hell.


**AN**: This is my first attempt ever on a song fic. I don't know how good it is, but I hope you'll enjoy it. I was listening to that song, and suddenly I thought, yeah, that's it.

**Disclaimer: I don't own CSI Miami or Ryan Wolfe. I don't own Rihanna's song "Disturbia". I just borrowed both. Credits go to the respective people, CBS and Rihanna**

**Spoilers for episode 7.20: Wolfe in Sheep's Clothing **

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**Disturbia **

**What's wrong with me? Why do I feel like this? I'm going crazy now….**

Ryan looked into the mirror. His face was a bloody mess. It took him a second to handle that view. When they had thrown him out of the car (he guessed they had), when he had woken up, his gun, badge and cell phone with him, he had for a moment thought that it all had just been a really bad nightmare. It had taken him a second to realize that he wasn't in his bed, but just lying on a dirty street, like some trash thrown out of a car. But then he had felt the pain, hitting him with a force that nearly made him faint again. But he had fought to stay conscious. He had walked back home, the whole way, his body aching with every move he made. And now, he stood in his bathroom, the cold, neatly cleaned bathroom. He closed his eyes. He knew he had to take care of these wounds. All of them. Oh God…

**No more gas, in the red, can't even get it started  
Nothing heard, nothing said, can't even speak about it  
On my life, on my head, don't wanna think about it  
Feels like I'm going insane, yeah**

He started with taking his shirt off, to take care of the wounds that the duct tape and the knife had made. While he was doing so, cringing with pain, his mind raced. What was he supposed to do? Well, he knew what they expected of him… Keep quiet, in the first place. And then make evidence go away. Free their man. And not tell anybody. Ryan had to smile a bit. As if he could speak about…. this. How was he supposed to handle that? He only had to close his eyes to see…. to see that big empty hall… see that guy… hear that accent… feel the punches to his face… to his stomach… smell the blood… taste the blood… He leaned over to the mirror to get a closer look at the empty space in his mouth where there had once been a strong, straight tooth. He chuckled bitterly. Strong… yeah. Like hell. It had taken the guy only a few seconds to yank it out. As soon as Ryan saw the hole, he closed his eyes again. He wished he could just go to bed, sleep, get up and realize it had _really_ just been a nightmare. Part of him wanted to just take some strong meds and go to bed. Do something to not think about this. But he knew he couldn't. The only thing he could do to get over this as fast as possible was to go back to daily routine, hoping no one would notice anything. He couldn't even think about it, he didn't want to, so how was he supposed to answer actual questions? He splashed water into his face and looked into the mirror again. Well… okay, he couldn't make the cut on his lip go away. But if he didn't smile, maybe no one would notice the missing tooth. Luckily it was one at the bottom. A missing front tooth would have been harder to hide. If he was lucky, he could get away with it. He had to. Or else… _Billy_… He had to protect the kid. He would have never been able to forgive himself if the kid was hurt. If the kid had to go through the same then he did…. He didn't even want to think about that. He could handle it, if necessary. But an innocent young child?

**It's a thief in the night to come and grab you  
It can creep up inside you and consume you  
A disease of the mind, it can control you  
It's too close for comfort**

He felt the emotions coming back with all their power. His heart and guts started aching, thinking of what would happen if he failed. He liked this kid. He really liked it. Billy was like a son to him. He would have endured everything to keep him safe. If that Russian had tortured him to find out where the kid was, for example, he would have never caved. The guy could have stabbed him in every limb, punched every single bit of life out of him, could have pulled out every single one of his teeth, he would never have told him anything. But the Russians had gone another way. They had hit him at his weakest spot. The kid. And Ryan knew that now, he didn't have a choice anymore. He would do everything they would ask. He felt the pain inside of him, thinking like this. It was the moment where he put everything on the line. If it came out, and he knew pretty well it would at some point, he could forget his career. His career? His freedom. He was accessory to murder if he helped getting that guy out, knowing he was guilty. If he had to put the blame on an innocent person, he would not only be accessory to murder, but destroy the life of somebody else. And even if it wouldn't be discovered, even if he would succeed… how could he ever look into the mirror again? Seeing the guilt of it everyday in the mirror would be so much worse than what he was seeing now. He could handle those injuries, he could handle the fact that he maybe would not be able to even afford to get that tooth replaced and so constantly be reminded of this horrible torture. But he knew he couldn't handle having destroyed an innocent life and given a criminal the chance to be back on the street. It would be in him, everyday, every second, and he would never get over it.

**Put on your pretty lies, you're in the city of wonder  
Ain't gon' play nice, watch out you might just go under  
Better think twice, your train of thought will be altered  
So if you must falter be wise**

**Your mind's in disturbia, it's like the darkness is light  
Disturbia, am I scaring you tonight?  
****Disturbia, ain't used to what you like  
Disturbia, disturbia**

But he had too. He'd rather suffer himself for the rest of his life than have the kid suffer only for a second. And so he looked back into the mirror and tried to smile again. Smile, even if he didn't feel like it. He had to be convincing. If anyone noticed something was wrong with him, he would loose everything. Namely Billy. And he wouldn't lose that kid. Even if he had to do things that were completely against his beliefs. The Russians weren't idiots. They would notice if he was acting odd towards the team, or if wasn't thoroughly enough. He closed his eyes again. Everything was upside down. He had to be one of the bad guys now. He had to think differently from what he used to. Everything was different now.

**Faded pictures on the wall, it's like they talking to me  
Disconnecting on calls, the phone don't even ring  
I gotta get out or figure this sh** out  
It's too close for comfort, oh**

_Ryan you can't do this…_Ah, there was it, this voice in his head. The bad conscience. What did it know about his situation? _You're making this way too easy for yourself, Ryan. There must be more than two ways out of this… _Well, yeah. Helping the terrorists, leaving the kid to die, or just run away. _Come on Ryan. You're not an idiot. There must be a way out. The right way…. _Yeah, you think so. I go down either way. I just have to choose whom to take down with me. And believe me, I'm not gonna take the kid down…. _Don't rush. Think. You're a CSI. Think. You showed this night you can think, even if things don't look good…_Ryan smiled. The shirt. Yeah. He had managed to keep his senses together. There would be transfer on the shirt. And he would find out where they had kept him. He didn't know why it was that important to him. But he knew it would, at some point, be important. Ryan didn't like to loose control….

**It's a thief in the night to come and grab you  
It can creep up inside you and consume you  
A disease of the mind it can control you  
I feel like a monster, oh **

He proceeded to look after the wound in his mouth. _And you feel good betraying the team? _No, I feel like crap betraying the team. But what other choice do I have? _There's always a choice, Ryan._ No, there isn't. I'm gonna do what they ask, I'm gonna save Billy, and then come clear. I'm sorry for the victim that his murderer will be free, I'm sorry for the victim's family that I lie to them… If I have to frame somebody to get this done, I'm sorry for it. I have no problem to pay for it for the rest of my life, I'm gonna take whatever will happen to me, but I'm not, under any circumstances, risk anything that could hurt Billy. Better me than him…

**Release me from this curse I'm in  
Trying to maintain but I'm struggling  
If you can't go-o-o  
I think I'm gonna ah, ah, ah, ah**

If only there was somebody he could confide in. Horatio? No… He shook his head. He was alone. He was all alone, and he would have to try to get over this alone. No weaknesses. No matter how he felt. If he had managed to do what they wanted, then maybe. But not now…. He bowed his head. God, this was worse than ever before…. His hand made a fist. _Yes, Ryan, think. There is a way out…._

…**. So if you must falter be wise …… **

When he arrived at the crime scene, he had taken his decision. He would do whatever was necessary to keep Billy safe. He would not risk anything. But… he would not cave in. He would have some ace up his sleeve. He would not bring down innocent people. He would try his best. And he knew one thing: If something was happening to Billy, he would make pretty damn sure that the Russians went down too….


End file.
